A Polarity to Spontaneity
Almost every time that I have shared with people that I am travelling for an extended period of time, their following question seldom varies from “where are you going?” My answer is usually vague because I have purposely left myself almost completely unplanned, open to any wind of spontaneity that comes my way. This week, I got my first positive feedback of my approach: on a sunny Thursday afternoon I was at the Western Wall of Old City Jerusalem, one of the holiest cities in the world for the Jewish people. I wore a large backpack with a camera and microphone strapped to my chest. After putting a note in the wall with “prayers” for someone I love, I turned around to see another guy around my age doing the same. His name is Jonah Mazer. He had a Leica film camera around his neck and an old Camcorder on another sling around his waist. It was a conversation that didn’t take any effort to start- no awkward “should I go talk to that person.” It just happened. It was about 6 days before the end of my Birthright trip, and I still had no plans. We hit it off, and after chatting for a while we decided to travel to Paris together in a couple day’s time. The agenda? Galivanting the streets of Paris with a camera (or two) in one hand and a (gluten free) baguette in the other. As I write this on my flight there, I am giddy with the unknown excitement of what awaits in this new creative partnership.
What’s Inspiring Me Lately
Ry X describes himself as a father, a man of the ocean and spirit, a member of his world and community, and a [popular] musician. He shared that if we are thinking about anyone else when we create our art, then it isn’t the most powerful version of what we can create. If we worry what people will think, it dilutes it. It ceases to be the truest expression of us. I feel called to share with you all in the form of this newsletter to a level of vulnerability that startles me. To be honest I don’t know why. I have gotten the feedback that it seems odd to some people, an overshare perhaps. I’m going to disregard that and keep following the expression of what my authentic self wants to share.
His interview on the Know Thyself Podcast is linked below.
A Weary Heart
The following is a journal entry I wrote recently, echoing sentiments that have been recurring feelings for me over time. Thinking of posting this now, I feel my chest tighten. I wonder about who will be reading it and who will know the different situations this refers to. Despite my pause I’m going to set aside fear of awkwardness, embarrassment, and rejection. Here you have it, another attempt at ‘pulling back the curtain.’
Dating is so exhausting sometimes. I’m tired of feeling repeated excitement and the proceeding lack of romantic actualization of that connection. I’m tired of the persistent self-analysis of what I should have done differently. I’m tired of focusing on garnering love from others instead of accepting no less than a ‘f*ck yes’ about being with me. I’m tired of the glamorized ideas of someone that I create in my head that are unrealistic to who they actually show themselves to be. I’m tired of micro analyzing my actions to find what I did wrong instead of accepting that often times, it’s just not about me.
Thanks to Jonah Mazer for the graphic
I love my earnest heart, the part that wants to give love so freely and fall into it deeply; however, there are times that that intensity has led to me “chasing” love in ways that ended up pushing it away from me. These experiences, combined with toxic dregs of college hookup culture’s influence on my brain, have led to a constant analytical fear that my expression of interest in someone will come on too strong, take away the “thrill of the chase,” and lead to rejection. It leaves me in contorting anxiety in the early stages of romantic interactions, and that feeling just plain sucks.
Despite my attempts to unweave them, these narratives remain rooted. They leave me feeling like I need to play some sort of game to experience intimate romantic connection. I have repeatedly found myself feeling awful, doubting my authentic self that I have been working so hard to emancipate. While I can logically understand that’s not the right way to find romantic connections and have had experiences doing so authentically, I lose touch with that intention in the blindness of interest in someone new. It’s a lesson I have had to learn multiple times.
I’m starting to find resonance with a new perspective that better serves me. I see a faint flame of kindness and compassion towards myself that sometimes obscures the queasy angst of those other mindsets that don’t serve me. My heart is beautiful. I love how it loves: deeply. It gets me hurt, but it also has brought me to intense romantic connections that have been some of the best parts of my life. I am working on changing my internal narrative, sometimes even experiencing periods of true acceptance and love of these parts of me with a light that pushes out criticism, doubt, self-consciousness, regret, and fear. While challenging, the difficult experiences of dating give me opportunities to make this space more accessible, despite the countless attempts it has taken to even get a glimpse of this grace flowing naturally.
