Weathering the Storm (of Rainbows)
Without fail, whenever I embark on a new trip or experience a significant change while traveling, I go through a few days of high stress, anxiety, and fear. I worry about the "bad things" such as getting mugged, lost, or ill. These intense emotions cloud my mind, making it difficult to appreciate my surroundings. All I want is to retreat to my bed and avoid facing the world. At times, I even question why I chose to undertake this journey in the first place. I feel guilty about having such feelings, considering my position of extreme privilege.
The ongoing lesson I've learned is to endure and push through these initial moments. When I travelled to Argentina in 2022, I cried for the first couple of days, overwhelmed by the changes and the sadness following a recent breakup. I remember "dropping anchor" and staying within my comfort zone, which seemed necessary at the time. Later, I realized what I missed by remaining there. During my time in Costa Rica, the discomfort almost led me to book a ticket back home. I was on the final booking page before a new friend, Collin, came up and introduced himself, his warmth unknowingly convincing me to stay. Had I left, I would have missed the deep connections I formed with my new friends Hanna, Frederique, Conrad. At the end of that trip, I actually extended my ticket to spend more time with my new friends. Fortunately, I have internalized this lesson and have wonderful people I can call upon to remind me of it too. Until then, I'm trying to be kind and patient with myself. Growth is fantastic, but right now, it also feels incredibly uncomfortable.
It’s hilarious to look at how objectively well things have gone so far, encountering no major hiccups and smooth travels, other than a stolen debit card. Despite this, my mind creates suffering. I’m in a storm of rainbows, yet I fear them blowing down my house. Perception really is power.
Stepping into Generosity
Traveling with Jonah was amazing for many reasons, among them the role model he became for me as a giver. If you are sitting near Jonah and have a piece of trash, you can bet he’s going to throw it away from you. Don’t have a seat? You’ll be getting Jonah’s as soon as he notices. Jonah buys extra food wherever he goes so that he has plenty to share. It’s a constant mode for him and something I feel called to embody. By contrast this week I saw all the times I take or borrow, often due to lack of foresight or initiative. These experiences humbled me, inspiring further ways to act with love for others.
F*ck You, Financial Stress
Money psychology is something I struggled with a lot in Europe. Despite the many resources and privileges I have, I still had immense anxiety tied up in the subject. Following the trail of spontaneity that I talked about in the last newsletter, I joined my new new friend Jonah Mazer in a 12 day Europe trip after Israel instead of sticking to my plan to go to relatively cheaper, less popular spots. The first 4 to 5 days of this were in Paris, and I was so stressed about the expensive food and hostels that I couldn’t even enjoy the money I was spending. I had expectations of what sort of creative outcomes would arise out of our time traveling together, and when I didn’t create in the way I expected to, I second guessed my choice. I realized how exhausted I was and my need for stillness and self care. I then started judging myself for experiencing anything bliss and gratitude.
This was an occasion where I had a hard time taking my own advice: that following the heart won’t lead me astray. I learned a new lesson too: I can’t live an adventurous, spontaneous lifestyle and then get mad at myself when it doesn’t work out according to plan. I gained an amazing new friend in Jonah, which was alone well worth the detour. A helpful phone call from mom never hurts either, which helped to set me straight on a path of presence and gratitude. It took a few days to reframe this perspective, but another lesson emerged in the value of seeing experiences through. I have noticed a pattern in myself where I take a big leap, and in the initial discomfort and adjustment period think “what on earth have I done.” I sometimes even want to take it back. The subsequent places we visited of Brugge, Oostende, and Amsterdam were peak experiences: more close friends made, creative exploration after all, spending the day with beautiful strangers, and a heap of fun. I truly can’t imagine having missed all that just happened.
