I’m Lost, and I Forgot that I Meant to Be
I feel lost. I have in front of me that blank slate of possibility that is so rare, coveted, and special. I am aware of how privileged it is, but in the last few days since setting out on my own I have struggled to access my gratitude under layers of stress and anxiety. I am in an extremely foreign place. It is my first time in Asia, and I came alone. After 30 hours in airports I took local buses across the island of Sri Lanka to a small beach town called Mirissa. I don’t see a lot of people that look like me here. There are new cultural norms that have been a large adjustment. Most of all, I have never had this much freedom. At times, this freedom makes me soar with stoke for the life I get to live right now. Other times, anxiety paralyzes me.
Until now, my life has been highly structured, following the blueprint I thought I wanted: go to college, get a degree, get a job. Travel when not in said job, pursuing hobbies in my free time. Breaking away from the rigidity of how I expected those steps to look required immense courage. As I find myself at that place that I had to strive so hard to create, I find this sacred space is under threat again.
Keeping myself on this path, the “heart path,” has been a constant battle. I truly did not expect this. I imagined it would be one big decision of “I am not taking that engineering job” and then everything else would just fall into place. On the contrary, I have faced continual windstorms that try to blow me from my course, constant opportunities that challenge me to stay true to this phase of my life. Since that first big leap, I had to walk away from another opportunity of founding a startup with a close friend in the mental health space. I had to choose to depart from friends that I traveled with to keep the space for me to play and wander.
Experiencing the exuberance of an adventurous lifestyle and wanting a career that can maintain it has led to me to a place of struggle within myself. There is fear of this opportunity ending and motivation to make it sustainable. This overbearing, hyper-masculine pressure to do struggles to take a step back during this period of unstructured time, ceaselessly attempting to optimize my time between investing in self-care, practicing videography, and adventuring. This “strategizing” isn’t living in the present, a pursuit I hold so dear that I got it tattooed on me. It worries that I will regret what I did with this blank slate instead of serendipitous adventure to continually unfold in front of me. It wants to know what’s 10 steps in front of me, but in the fog it’s only possible to see 3.
American culture overemphasizes the ‘do’, and not the ‘be’: capitalism is about creation and productivity. My environment has engrained those motives inside me, and it is hard to let them go right now.
I am working on reframing, but that is immensely challenging right now. These are the new areas of focus for me, accessible in fleeting moments of lucidity.
I have achieved everything I want to be in this moment. The desire to have more (success, clarity, etc) is rooted in fear and ego, not my truest self. I am exactly where I need to be right now.
I am doing something I love that I paid for with photography. A busy spring graduation photo season gave me resources to have these experiences of adventure.
I want to honor my path with admiration, optimism, and love. I want to have a strong foundation of support and compassion for myself.
These are sentiments that have often felt intangible during the stress, intensity, and overwhelm that this new phase. As I continually attempt to be kind and patient with myself, refocus on why I am here, and attempt to reframe in positive ways, I hope things will return to smoothness and serendipity.
A special thanks to my mom, sister, and Faolan for the support and mentorship on this topic.
