I Got Bonked Again…
[Written with speech to text and edited by ChatGPT to minimize my screen time. Please excuse grammatical errors]
I got bonked again. Damn. That one thing that I swore I couldn't do, and was so fearful of, happened. This time it came in the form of reaching down to replace an item in a low cabinet under a countertop, and upon rising, hitting my head on the underside of the stone slab. For those not familiar, I have had my fair share of head injuries in the past and am still in the recovery process from a car accident in June 2022.
Alarming as it was, it has been a really interesting point of reflection. Immediately after the incident, I realized how much my life had accelerated again after the slow and intentional pace that I had been living in before. The silence and boredom of sensory deprivation, the initial treatment for a concussion, used to infuriate me when I've had them in the past. This time it felt like a breath of fresh air, a big exhale that carried weight with it. The first couple of days since it happened had a lot of anxiety over what I was experiencing, fearing a setback to the progress I have made over the last year and a half recovering from my previous concussion. In fact, my life these days had mostly been rehabilitation related to my vision system and muscular system of my neck for issues that still were inhibiting me due to the car accident I was in in June 2022. I have feared living a life of restriction, a life of suffering, the inability to provide for myself, or find meaning. In practical terms, a concussion, mild and unlikely to represent long-term differences for me. It will be only a minor setback in the recovery work I was already doing. That being said, these things are uncertain, and uncertainty has often terrified me.
Mindfulness, My Weapon Against Woe
The silver lining of this experience is the opportunity it presents to strengthen my mindfulness, and that I already have this as a tool to limit the suffering of the experience. When my last concussion occurred, far worse than the restrictions it created for me was the suffering I caused myself due to intense fear of what the future would be like. That first few months of flying in the dark, with limited activity, was the catalyst to deepening my meditation and yoga practices, and cemented them as a foundational part of how I exist in the world. This time, I'm prepared.
A mentor of mine that I met in Indonesia told me something along the lines of "we have the ability to decide if life is happening to us, or for us." The latter certainly sounds more appealing. Taking a growth mindset: it's a bit of a played-out phrase, but there's a depth to it that I'm discovering here. Did my concussion happen to me? Or for me. As a dear friend helped me frame it, this is an opportunity for those doubts and fears I experience to be released as they come up. If I can encounter thoughts like "maybe I won't be able to do a job that can provide for me" with openness and non-engagement, not assigning truth to those fears, I take their power away. As I've discussed in previous letters, I had a profound lesson from a meditation retreat in October in which I learned that when anxiety whispers its insidious little quips in my ear, I don't need to "think back." Well, anxiety, please the role of trying to keep me safe, a vast majority of the time it simply doesn't require an answer. Mindfulness is helping me let my fears brush past me without knocking me down. Of course, I am doing everything I can in practical matters to get better, but the shift is in my motivation to do so, from a place of earnest ire, and not fear. This concussion is happening for me to relinquish my attempts, throttling my life to where I want it to be; instead, letting myself flow into whatever unforeseen opportunities it brings. Hell, if it weren't for my past five concussions, I genuinely don't think I would have found such profound alignment with the person that I feel like I have been meant to become. From my first incident that steered me away from sports, my participation in which was like trying to fit a circle into a smaller-sized triangular hole, to my car crash that cemented in mindfulness and yoga practices, I seem to be repeatedly "bumped" towards my greater path.
A surprising percentage of my last couple of days has been spent with some amount of peace and joy. I'll acknowledge that that is made significantly easier by the fact that I'm not worried about becoming homeless or going hungry anytime soon. There’s still been periods of fear, sadness, and frustration. That being said, the relatively small proportion of these challenging emotions is a huge achievement for me considering the state I'm in. The peak of this joy came from chopping a jalapeño. First, slicing a seedless swath of it off the side of the main member, I proceeded to cut it into strips, lengthwise before turning sideways for a dice. Into the guacamole bowl it went. I was surprised to find that I was quite struck by its beauty, dappled, overcast, afternoon light illuminating it through the window to my right, its vibrant green contrasting with the warm hues of the cutting board I chopped it on. The satisfaction of a sharp knife sliding through it like I was a sushi chef. Meticulous. It's amazing to me what mundane tasks can seem so incredible when I take the time and focus to truly appreciate them. This is a moment that would have been made much more difficult had I been rushing around to cook before going to some engagement or feeling the pressure to work. Thank you for this opportunity, concussion.
