Fear, Purpose, and Hope
Hello again, friends! I have selected three journal entries that represent this recent period. Fear is a poem I wrote in a time of well, fear. My health issues related to the “bonks” leave me with a lot of uncertainty still, and there are times where it gets the best of me. Purpose illuminates how I have been in a bit of an identity crisis I see frequently among my peers of this age. I really didn’t expect how hard it would be to find my direction in the world. Hope was a reflection that felt was a moment of clarity, and I was proud of the way I could capture it with words. It was the result of a flip of perspective- it’s crazy how much power we hold with that.
Pain – a Poem
I’m fucking terrified.
I realize that, when left with my mind.
But I feel as though I’m going in blind
I have so many gifts, that I see
A warm smile, means, the ability to be
Infinite ways, to live a life of glee
But that doesn’t stop me from wondering,
Is it really going to be ok?
My body keeps breaking.
Something mends, something new
More injury, limitation, or challenge comes through
Oh what I would trade, to make it all clear
How do I progress from here?
I might know the answer, the knowledge within
But my courage to trust it is so very thin
I’m broken, I’m bloody, god am I battered
My emotional state so often feels tattered
I want answers, I want ease
I want to see the path out, please o please?
I know that I’m on it, the universal signs
But then comes the doubt, from logic landmines
I just want healing, where is its power?
Eastern or western, everyone’s a doubter
One step, two steps, three steps, four
That’s all I can do, but I want to see more
“This pain is taking you somewhere”
How could that possibly be?
Purpose
The thought that my pain could be leading to a greater purpose gives me peace. Hearing that Einstein, Yeung, and others have lived hard lives and created things because of it gives me permission to believe that my suffering is not in vain.
I am seeking. I am searching. I won’t have it figure out anytime soon.
That is ok.
I keep hearing that “I am right where I am supposed to be,” yet it feels like I have the power to get myself to a “better” place, that is, one more in line with the external circumstances and inner state that I desire. That illusion (is it?) of control is what torments me- the belief that I can always do more.
Hope
Hope is an amazing feeling.
It is a glimpse that what we are experiencing now may not be here to stay. Funny thing is, nothing can stay- gold or otherwise. But that end seems foreign and distant in the face of strife- crushing fear, the pain, my inevitable distaste for it.
Hope is light. Hope is a glimpse of the release on the other side. If only I could feel that now.
